Tuesday, June 7, 2016

Turning the tables and learning to love my husband

Ok. So I apologize in advance for this being a saga of my life the past five years. But it is my blog. And you are choosing to read it. And continuing on to this sentence too. So the joke is on you really for being somewhat entertained (or bored enough) to read my blog. Or you just want to know your life is better than mine. 

A little over five years ago, I married the love of my life. Little did I know the journey that my husband, Tyler, and I would go on. He would become my best friend and confidant. I had no idea what marriage is really like. Everyone talks about rainbows and sunshine, but they rarely mention the storms. The roller coaster of ups and downs. The time where two people in love can just not want to be around each other. I also didn't realize how crazy I was. I mean, my mom and dad did. For crying out loud, my dad even warned Tyler (or tried) about who he was marrying and what he was getting into. I don't think he ever really grasped the idea of just how crazy I could be and am still. 

Our first year of marriage was wonderful, and hard. We had no clue what the heck we were going to do. So I went to school to become a licensed cosmetologist and Tyler, meeting an officer with Pinetop-Lakeside, would apply and later go to the police academy. Boy was that tough. You don't really realize how much you need a person until you can't have them with you everyday. Even though, let's be honest, sometimes being with a person 24/7 is freaking hard too. Haha. Well the man that told Tyler to apply was a power hungry jerk. I never knew how hard of a struggle it was for Tyler when this man was just, well, he just wasn't nice. 

So we decided he should apply elsewhere and we could move to Flagstaff for Tyler to go to school at NAU. However a poor decision on our part was made to quit before another job was lined up. We learned from our mistake. 

But no matter, we were no in Flagstaff and I had a job as a dental assistant. The office I worked for was not a very good one and now I knew why. Way too much turnover, among other things. I also found out I was pregnant. I decided I wouldn't tell my job until I was past my first trimester. Shortly after I had informed them, they let me go. Trying to say that I missed too many days of work, when there was no proof, and that I wasn't picking up on the dental procedures quick enough. I'm sorry that you forgot that you moved me around between four different dentists all with different schooling and ways of doing the same procedures. But now I was fired literally days after informing them I was pregnant. 

So we applied for state benefits. Never have I felt more judged, shameful, guilty, and loathed all at the same time. We were broke and trying to make ends meet with high rent, me with a baby on the way and Tyler desperately searching for jobs. My depression was getting a little out of control with my hormones. Tyler said I was terrible to live with being pregnant. Sorry babe!

Then, we welcomed cute little Ridge boy into our lives. Tyler had been hired on with the Payson police department. We thought things were looking good. But when Ridge was born, I got full blown PPD.

No one talks about that. In fact they make you feel kind of bad if you aren't perfect. The pediatrician said Ridge would lose 10% of his birthweight, but not to worry because it was normal and he would gain it back. Well that same per, upon our next visit bullied me. Told me that Ridge had lost the 10% and that he was too skinny. Was I sure he was eating enough? He shouldn't be this small! As a new mom, that was devastating. Not knowing if I was breastfeeding correctly. Not knowing if my babe was getting enough to eat. Feeling just down right awful. But I tried to hide it. Only my sister Verity really knew, because she had just had a babe and understood, and my mom were ones I really talked to. 

So we switched doctors. Which was wonderful. She was amazing and look right at Ridge and at Tyler and said "Well of course he's small. Look at his dad!!!" That was what I needed. Support and understanding. 

My OBGYN (who is absolutely the BEST) suggested I talk to a physciatrist. And while I picked up great information, I couldn't be honest with that Doc because I wasn't quite ready to be honest with myself. And I didn't really talk to Tyler either. 

Fast forward to Payson. Man. Did we think we had it good. New job. Steady income. We thought we would be there at least 3-5 years. Then surprise surprise (actually not that big because we planned it, just not all the crap after). Tyler was fired. And I was pregnant. And we just bought a new house. And a new car. 

That chief of police there is so many bad words!!!! I loathe him and have no respect for him. 

But we fought it. Thanks to our case and being completely blindsided, we won. If you could really call it winning. Tyler was no longer fired but was made to quit. That was hard. And I'd still hard. We are still living with everything. Still have a house there. Tyler will have to explain everything to ever job he ever gets because one stupid stupid "chief" couldn't and doesn't support his men and police officers. 

Blindsided. Pregnant. New home. New car. Jobless.

So we applied for state benefits once again. We also had to have help from our church. We prayed. Tried to have faith and pray to strengthen our faith where it was weak. This would be hard for anyone in our situation. Tyler felt broken (and still quite often does). I was trying to handle the stress on top of my depression. None of my friends new. But I felt they were all juding me. And my depression worsened.  It was hard. And sitting here thinking on it now, I'm crying. I felt alone. Trapped. And like I was drowning in the awful gloom of it all. 

Delaney was born. And I tried to be ok. And I think I hid everything pretty well. But this time I would be honest with myself and Doctor. I talked to my oldest sister, Sarah and she just helped everything. So when my doctor asked how things were I said ok. He urged further on. "Does Ridge bother you?" Yes. "Oh well he is a 1.5 year old. They tend to be bothersome." Well Delaney gets on my nerves too. "Oh? Well it's ok. We can help you." And I was prescribed medication. But I no longer had insurance. Thankfully Walmart is awesome and has my meds for $4!! 

We were receiving help from our ears in the Church. Meeting with my awesome RS president. But I was still hiding everything. And the weight was getting harder and harder.

We made the decision to move in with my parents. And I was still hiding everything, though I would snap at times and it would be bad. I had the support of my mom and dad. And poor, dear, wonderful Tyler was just confused with how to help me. Breastfeeding Delaney was hard on me. I couldn't handle it anymore and switched to formula. But of course there are crazy ladies and mothers everywhere who have to put in their two cents about everything and make you feel guilty about stopping and going with formula. 

Anyways... Moving on. 

I kept talking to Tyler about school and the Air Force. He said only his credits from his school on Oregon would transfer to BYUI. 

Forget that. I am NOT moving to Idaho and will never live there. But I tell my mom and she gets an idea. Tyler should go to BYUI. Well I'm already having a hard time. But I make her promise me that she will visit me! Then, unbeknownst to Tyler, I apply to school. And within a month, he was accepted and we were packing our bags. 

Now we are here. And I have no one. No family. Nothing. Just Tyler and my kids. Whom I love dearly and would do anything for, but also drive me crazy. My depression has been bad and sometimes I can't handle it. But you know what? I've learned to rely and confide in Tyler. He is such an amazing guy. Truly! I sit up late at night and cry into his shoulder. Not knowing how things will work out. 

But he is there. 

When feeling lonely and like I can't move, he is there. 

When I feel as though I am wing shamed on a social media site, he is there.

When I just need a break and honestly do not want to mom that day, he is there. 

So while I was completely against moving here and while I'm still pretty hesitant to call this place my home, one thing is sure and constant. 

Tyler is here. He loves me. And I love him. And even though we think I might have manic depression or am bipolar, I know I have him. I may not feel that way always because depression is brutal to the mind.  But when I am clear in the head, I know he loves me. 

And when I just feel unloved and just honestly need a hug, he is here for me. Because I need hugs a lot and I just don't let anyone know because I say I don't need it. But I do. I need my friends and family and my children and my spouse!

He calms my worries of whether my children love me, whether they know I love them. He helps me when I just can't be a mom or deal with my children. 

So though I know he is going through rough times and we are struggling and beyond broke, I know we will make it through. 

Because he is there. And I love him,

Shout out to Tyler because I probably just embarrassed you. Sorry. But I love you.

Monday, May 16, 2016

Ridge turns TWO and Delaney is 4 months old!

Seriously!!! My little boy is now a sassy, but sweet toddler! On April 22, 2014 at 9:06 pm, that sweetheart little boy made his debut into our lives. He weighed 7 pounds 8 ounces and was the best first baby. And he is still my favorite little boy. Ridge LOVES Choo Choo trains and now constantly asks "what's that?" To everything he is curious about. I have loved seeing the world from his perspective. He is such a great helper around the house too. He is also very curious about everything going on. He is very active and loves to be outside. He's spend all day out there! 
Favorite book: My First Things That Go (it has tractors and airplanes and trains)
Favorite food: cookies and chocolate (I've been teaching him American Sign Language to help with his vocabulary. He loves asking me for cookies followed by an excited please!)
Favorite people: Mom, Dad, Delaney
Favorite movie: it changes all the time. 
Favorite thing: the park

Delaney turned 4 months old! 
I can't believe it. It seriously feels like I just had my cute, chunky, cabbage patch doll baby! At four months she weighed 18.1 pounds. She fits in size four diapers better than Ridge. She loves to roll all over the place and loves watching her best friend and older brother Ridge! She wants to crawl so bad, but when she lifts herself up, she scoots backwards. It's very frustrating. Haha! I'm seriously so happy to be her momma. 

Now enjoy some pictures! 
Ridge got Ironman and a vacuum for his birthday, among other things as well. 
Don't mind the bruise and the poorly, self given haircut. He's just as happy as a clam.
Chinky passed out girl and crazy, monkey, climbing boy!
Delaney being cute! It's pretty easy for her to do.
I can hardly get pictures of Ridge nowadays because they are all blurry or he's not paying me any attention. But Delaney sure doesn't mind a few pictures! Only a 6 pound difference between these two.

That's all! Adios!

Thursday, May 5, 2016

The Forsberg's in Rexburg

So in case you missed it, we moved to Rexburg, ID! Arizona skies gave us such a sweet farewell the weeks leading up to our departure. We made the trip in two days and had some unexpected car troubles with our Rover. We spent the night in Cedar City, the half way point, at my brothers house. The next morning we got things ready and ran a few errands. Had to pick up a gift for Ridge, a toy vacuum, and we drive by the new temple. It is coming along beautifully!! My brother volunteered to help us drive and unload. He beat us to Idaho by a couple hours. You could say he's a speed demon. And he only had Ridge. 

Anyways, we made it to Rexburg safe and sound and spent the night in a hotel. Tyler and Ridge went swimming! Well, they sat in the hot tub. The pool was a bit cold for our AZ blood. The next morning, my mom and I went to check some things out since we couldn't get the keys right away. But I got a call from Tyler whole mom and I were driving around that they had gotten the keys early and they were unloading. So we made our way to our new home. Tyler's parents were there to help unload and unpack as well. Once the moving truck was empty, we took it back. Morgan (my brother) and Megan (my niece) left shortly after. Then my parents left shortly after that. It was so great having their help and support moving here. 

So after my brother and parents left came the unpacking. I still have boxes left, we have a lot of crap from moving from our house to a town home. Malya, Tyler's mother, helped me unpack some of the kitchen stuff! And a big thank you too. After that, Tyler's mom and dad took us out to dinner. At Winger's. Never been there before? Be jealous! They have THE BEST wings I've ever had, serve popcorn before the meals, and it's just a fun environment!

After all of our help left, we had to get Ryler ready for school. Since it starts on Monday and we only got there on Friday! The first week was tough. Tyler was very stressed about a lot of things and his patience was wearing very thin. It was a very rough week. The next weekend we drive, with one of Tyler's awesome sisters Kaylee, the 5.5-6 hour drive all the way to his parents house. We spent the weekend there with all of his other sisters too. It was a pretty fun weekend. I was just getting over how emotional and HARD the week was, so I was kind of crazy. But I blame that on Tyler! Haha. We left in Sunday after church and lunch, since we had to be back for Tyler to go to his second week of school.

The second week was much better than the first. Tyler is starting to get into the groove of school. Now we are into May though and I hit Tyler a day planner and am his secretary to help him remember when he has work, school and homework assignments. 

Rexburg has just been beautiful. Kaylee visited and stayed with us over the Motger's Day weekend. We love having her over. I think she kind of calms Tyler down. He gets a little crazy sometimes. But when you have a house full of crazies, it's to be expected to go a little nuts sometimes. Lol. Anyways, I have gotten more and more boxes unloaded. We could still use a few more things and are getting closer to having a livable, functioning home. But I'll take what I can get.

Also I took Ridge and Delaney to the zoo in Idaho Falls. 

That's all. I feel like my blog is kind of scatter brained and all over the place. Hopefully it makes sense. But if not, just look at these pictures and maybe you'll forget the words. Haha!
Loaded up and leaving my parents home in Mesa.
Forgive my windshield. But look at that sky!
All of our caravan. This was before my car started having serious problems and we switched to pulling it on the trailer. Page, AZ.
Well hello Utah. Utah drivers are CRAZY and it was raining all through Salt Lake City where no one knows how to drive in clear weather, let alone rain. 😬 that was my face driving.
Hello beautiful! We were blessed with wonderful views.
Hello Idaho. Pocatello is a beautiful city. With green rolling hills! It was breathtaking.
We had Megan in the car with my mom, Delaney and I. She was such a big help! 
Tyler and Ridge at the hotel pool.
Sweet babes on the hotel bed.
The temple and sky are beautiful. This is the closest I've ever lived to a temple before. I can look out my window and see it up on the hill.
The park RIGHT behind our house.  It snowed the first day we were here so I had to pull out jackets!
We walked Tyler to class for his first day of school like he was 5 years old! Haha!
We woke Ridge up with balloons on his birthday! What a cute 2 year old boy.
Celebrating Ridge's birthday at Grandma and Grandpa Forsberg! Ridge was teething this weekend and was super whiny and kept getting told to stop whining. But the cake and birthday singing made it all better.
Birthday gifts.
Forsberg cousins. 
This is the Twin Falls temple. We stopped by on our way back to Rexburg.
My favorite little girl!
Because nothing is better than chubby, naked babes.
Delaney turned 4 months old. I'll be doing Ridge's Birthday post and Delaney turning 4 months in another post. 
Ridge at the zoo!
Riding the safe tiger at the zoo! 

That's all folks!

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Some new news!

I've been a little MIA from my blog. I didn't want to tell you about our life, as I was unsure of what exactly was happening. However, after receiving some news, I will now gladly share.

About a month and a half or so ago, I told Tyler that I think he should go to school. He has mentioned BYUI bring the only school that would accept his credits from Treasure Valley CC which he attended before we got married. So I ran with the idea. 

Being the crazy person and wife that I am, while Tyler was at work one day, I applied to BYUI for him (don't worry, I've applied for him for schools before! Haha! So he should know, ex. NAU). I asked him questions I wasn't sure of and he answered, a little confused at why I was asking. When he got home that day, I had the application in and just needed a few more things from him. He was surprised, but not really shocked, as I had done this before! Ha! 

Now we just had to wait for BYU and see what else they would need, then give them what they needed, then see if they needed anything else and so on until it was completed. Once that was done we just had to wait. Thankfully the waiting wasn't that long. On April 4th we got admitted! YEAAAAAH! Not sure what semester or block we have been accepted into yet, but should know I'm a few days. 

We still have our house in Payson, but have listed that with our amazing agent and it is on the market. (Help get our house sold people!!) Though we still have this tie, things seem to be working out (I told you they would)! So that's our update. 

I'm still crazy. Tyler will be going to school! And we will be moving. The Forsberg's will soon be in Rexburg. A new adventure is on the horizon!

Also check out these pictures from Easter and before. I didn't get very many of Ridge (he's been a very terrible pre 2 year old)! 
We all match! Easter Sunday!
I got Ridge and Delaney bunny ears!
Hey check out this cute couple! We should be friends;)
This cute little girl!
I love her!
I need to get more pictures of Ridge!
Chunky girl and handsome boy! 
Easter dinner
Smelling the roses.
This girl turned 3 months old! She LOVES to sit up and roll on her side. She's super smiley and incredibly sweet! We love her and all her chub!

I love this photo! Ridge has been so sick and was so tired that he fell asleep with Grandpa while watching LDS general conference.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Hard times!

So back in September of 2015, Tyler and I had JUST purchased a house. I was expecting our second child. Tyler had his job as a police officer. Then everything changed. October came and the job that was suppose to be great, was lost! We were heartbroken. It was stressful and emotional and freaking hard and still is. We thought we were going to be in Payson for a long time. Not forever, but longer. So because of that, we started to snowball down hill. With a new house, a bigger car, and a baby on the way, we didn't know what to do. We applied for state insurance and thankfully our ward helped us. 

Now I feel like we have plateaued on the bottom but will soon be making a comeback. And as hard as this has been on me, it's been even harder on Tyler! I've been trying to be strong. But I struggle with depression something fierce. So we've exchanged our roles back and forth to be each other's supports. But there have been two other short people that it has been hard on. Our two little babes, Ridge and Delaney! Delaney's probably the least effected. But I e noticed it has been taking a toll on sweet little Ridge. He use to be the happiest, easy going kid ever. He always wanted to please everyone, especially me! But lately, staying with Grandma and Grandpa, I've noticed a change. I never thought it would effect him. But it has. And it breaks my heart. However, I plan on having little dates with just him, and having family talks, and doing more as his mom to help him. He's been so tired and been having tantrums and been sick. And I think he keeps waiting to go home. But we aren't going home. And I just don't know what to do. I feel like I've been failing as his mom and as a wife. And I know there is a brighter future ahead for us. But it is so hard to see. 

Anyways. Sorry for my sob story. I'm so grateful to be apart and an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It's amazing that even though rings have been so rough, and I've been sad and Tyler has been sad, I know things will work out. I don't know when and don't know how, but I have faith. And I'm SO grateful for my parents. They have taken us in and have helped us in so many ways! They support us and have given us their time and love. 

Now to make you feel better, mainly I need to feel better, look at these pictures! Goodnight!
We got a new puppy, Rusty. And they ALL hated being in this picture! Hah! 
Ridge and his puppy Rusty were fast friends!
Delaney just being cute!
This Sunday, I made everyone wear black and red!! 
Family selfie! 
She is 2 months in this picture! My how time flies!
Ridge just practicing selfies! 

That's all for tonight.