A little over five years ago, I married the love of my life. Little did I know the journey that my husband, Tyler, and I would go on. He would become my best friend and confidant. I had no idea what marriage is really like. Everyone talks about rainbows and sunshine, but they rarely mention the storms. The roller coaster of ups and downs. The time where two people in love can just not want to be around each other. I also didn't realize how crazy I was. I mean, my mom and dad did. For crying out loud, my dad even warned Tyler (or tried) about who he was marrying and what he was getting into. I don't think he ever really grasped the idea of just how crazy I could be and am still.
Our first year of marriage was wonderful, and hard. We had no clue what the heck we were going to do. So I went to school to become a licensed cosmetologist and Tyler, meeting an officer with Pinetop-Lakeside, would apply and later go to the police academy. Boy was that tough. You don't really realize how much you need a person until you can't have them with you everyday. Even though, let's be honest, sometimes being with a person 24/7 is freaking hard too. Haha. Well the man that told Tyler to apply was a power hungry jerk. I never knew how hard of a struggle it was for Tyler when this man was just, well, he just wasn't nice.
So we decided he should apply elsewhere and we could move to Flagstaff for Tyler to go to school at NAU. However a poor decision on our part was made to quit before another job was lined up. We learned from our mistake.
But no matter, we were no in Flagstaff and I had a job as a dental assistant. The office I worked for was not a very good one and now I knew why. Way too much turnover, among other things. I also found out I was pregnant. I decided I wouldn't tell my job until I was past my first trimester. Shortly after I had informed them, they let me go. Trying to say that I missed too many days of work, when there was no proof, and that I wasn't picking up on the dental procedures quick enough. I'm sorry that you forgot that you moved me around between four different dentists all with different schooling and ways of doing the same procedures. But now I was fired literally days after informing them I was pregnant.
So we applied for state benefits. Never have I felt more judged, shameful, guilty, and loathed all at the same time. We were broke and trying to make ends meet with high rent, me with a baby on the way and Tyler desperately searching for jobs. My depression was getting a little out of control with my hormones. Tyler said I was terrible to live with being pregnant. Sorry babe!
Then, we welcomed cute little Ridge boy into our lives. Tyler had been hired on with the Payson police department. We thought things were looking good. But when Ridge was born, I got full blown PPD.
No one talks about that. In fact they make you feel kind of bad if you aren't perfect. The pediatrician said Ridge would lose 10% of his birthweight, but not to worry because it was normal and he would gain it back. Well that same per, upon our next visit bullied me. Told me that Ridge had lost the 10% and that he was too skinny. Was I sure he was eating enough? He shouldn't be this small! As a new mom, that was devastating. Not knowing if I was breastfeeding correctly. Not knowing if my babe was getting enough to eat. Feeling just down right awful. But I tried to hide it. Only my sister Verity really knew, because she had just had a babe and understood, and my mom were ones I really talked to.
So we switched doctors. Which was wonderful. She was amazing and look right at Ridge and at Tyler and said "Well of course he's small. Look at his dad!!!" That was what I needed. Support and understanding.
My OBGYN (who is absolutely the BEST) suggested I talk to a physciatrist. And while I picked up great information, I couldn't be honest with that Doc because I wasn't quite ready to be honest with myself. And I didn't really talk to Tyler either.
Fast forward to Payson. Man. Did we think we had it good. New job. Steady income. We thought we would be there at least 3-5 years. Then surprise surprise (actually not that big because we planned it, just not all the crap after). Tyler was fired. And I was pregnant. And we just bought a new house. And a new car.
That chief of police there is so many bad words!!!! I loathe him and have no respect for him.
But we fought it. Thanks to our case and being completely blindsided, we won. If you could really call it winning. Tyler was no longer fired but was made to quit. That was hard. And I'd still hard. We are still living with everything. Still have a house there. Tyler will have to explain everything to ever job he ever gets because one stupid stupid "chief" couldn't and doesn't support his men and police officers.
Blindsided. Pregnant. New home. New car. Jobless.
So we applied for state benefits once again. We also had to have help from our church. We prayed. Tried to have faith and pray to strengthen our faith where it was weak. This would be hard for anyone in our situation. Tyler felt broken (and still quite often does). I was trying to handle the stress on top of my depression. None of my friends new. But I felt they were all juding me. And my depression worsened. It was hard. And sitting here thinking on it now, I'm crying. I felt alone. Trapped. And like I was drowning in the awful gloom of it all.
Delaney was born. And I tried to be ok. And I think I hid everything pretty well. But this time I would be honest with myself and Doctor. I talked to my oldest sister, Sarah and she just helped everything. So when my doctor asked how things were I said ok. He urged further on. "Does Ridge bother you?" Yes. "Oh well he is a 1.5 year old. They tend to be bothersome." Well Delaney gets on my nerves too. "Oh? Well it's ok. We can help you." And I was prescribed medication. But I no longer had insurance. Thankfully Walmart is awesome and has my meds for $4!!
We were receiving help from our ears in the Church. Meeting with my awesome RS president. But I was still hiding everything. And the weight was getting harder and harder.
We made the decision to move in with my parents. And I was still hiding everything, though I would snap at times and it would be bad. I had the support of my mom and dad. And poor, dear, wonderful Tyler was just confused with how to help me. Breastfeeding Delaney was hard on me. I couldn't handle it anymore and switched to formula. But of course there are crazy ladies and mothers everywhere who have to put in their two cents about everything and make you feel guilty about stopping and going with formula.
Anyways... Moving on.
I kept talking to Tyler about school and the Air Force. He said only his credits from his school on Oregon would transfer to BYUI.
Forget that. I am NOT moving to Idaho and will never live there. But I tell my mom and she gets an idea. Tyler should go to BYUI. Well I'm already having a hard time. But I make her promise me that she will visit me! Then, unbeknownst to Tyler, I apply to school. And within a month, he was accepted and we were packing our bags.
Now we are here. And I have no one. No family. Nothing. Just Tyler and my kids. Whom I love dearly and would do anything for, but also drive me crazy. My depression has been bad and sometimes I can't handle it. But you know what? I've learned to rely and confide in Tyler. He is such an amazing guy. Truly! I sit up late at night and cry into his shoulder. Not knowing how things will work out.
But he is there.
When feeling lonely and like I can't move, he is there.
When I feel as though I am wing shamed on a social media site, he is there.
When I just need a break and honestly do not want to mom that day, he is there.
So while I was completely against moving here and while I'm still pretty hesitant to call this place my home, one thing is sure and constant.
Tyler is here. He loves me. And I love him. And even though we think I might have manic depression or am bipolar, I know I have him. I may not feel that way always because depression is brutal to the mind. But when I am clear in the head, I know he loves me.
And when I just feel unloved and just honestly need a hug, he is here for me. Because I need hugs a lot and I just don't let anyone know because I say I don't need it. But I do. I need my friends and family and my children and my spouse!
He calms my worries of whether my children love me, whether they know I love them. He helps me when I just can't be a mom or deal with my children.
So though I know he is going through rough times and we are struggling and beyond broke, I know we will make it through.
Because he is there. And I love him,
Shout out to Tyler because I probably just embarrassed you. Sorry. But I love you.